Wednesday, January 18, 2012

A New Poem Draft

Almost Half in Love

The rain on the eaves in the moonlight
was sparkling like pure diamond; it was so bright
that our eyes could hardly tell that it was midnight
and I was almost half in love.

Your hand was on my arm; it felt so nice
that I wouldn't have removed it for the world's price
and your eyes in light of moon had me so enticed
that I was almost half in love.

The memories of that night through each life-phase
have mingled with the ones in which we parted ways;
but who could ever lose the lessons of those old days
when we were almost half in love?

4 comments:

  1. Catherine Hodge9:10 AM

    This would make a fabulous song. You need to combine forces with a composer.

    ReplyDelete
  2. branemrys4:59 PM

    It has a sort of country-song-ish sound in my head.

    I'm not thrilled with the first line of the last stanza, though.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Catherine Hodge4:08 PM

    If by "each life phase" you mean the changing course of life, would a phrase like "life's twisted maze" do? 

    In regards to the first line: rain does shines in the moonlight, but I can tell you that snow under a full moon can dazzle almost "like pure diamond".

    I really do think this is very good.

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  4. branemrys4:50 PM

    Both of those are very good suggestions; something to do with 'maze' might actually give a good solution to the third stanza problem without actually having to replace it entirely. And snow is a definite possibility here -- it might actually allow for an extra stanza or two (I don't really have a definite reason for saying that; but it seems somehow like there might be more ways to draw snow into the theme than rain).

    ReplyDelete

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