This is the Jesuit joke you tell to people who aren't in religious orders. One day a priest was visiting one of his parishioners, and, asking about her teenage son, discovered that she was worried about what career he would choose. The priest said he could tell by a simple test. He put on the coffee table a Bible, a wallet, and a bottle of scotch.
"If he chooses the Bible," the priest told her, "that's a sign he's destined for the priesthood. If he chooses the wallet, he's called to be a banker. And if he chooses the bottle of scotch, he's bound to become a bum."
The teenager came in and the priest told him he could have any object on the table. The boy picked up all three.
"Oh no!" the priest shouted. "He's going to be a Jesuit!"
But this is the one you tell to a Jesuit. The Franciscans, the Dominicans, and the Jesuits were having a meeting when suddenly all the lights went out. Without a moment's hesitation, the Franciscans all took out their guitars and began to sing. In the next moment, the Dominicans all stood up and began to preach. In the next moment, the Jesuits all sighed, then went to the basement and replaced the fuse.
This is the Jesuit joke you tell to a Dominican. A Dominican and a Jesuit were arguing about whether the Dominicans or the Jesuits were more favored by God. Finally, they decided that the only one who could settle the matter was God. So they prayed, the heavens opened up, and a piece of paper came fluttering down. When they picked it up, this is what it said,
Please stop quarreling about such absurd and trivial matters.
This is the Jesuit joke you tell to a Franciscan. A Jesuit and a Franciscan were eating a meal together, and after dinner, they treated themselves to leftover pie. Alas, there were only two pieces left, one much larger than the other. Without any hesitation, the Jesuit reached over and took the larger piece.
"St. Francis always taught us to take the lesser piece," the Franciscan said reproachfully.
"And so you have it," the Jesuit replied.
Unless he's good at Latin, in which you tell him this one. A Franciscan and Jesuit were walking in a forest, and the Jesuit noticed that there was an echo. Thinking to play a prank on his companion, the Jesuit shouted out in Latin:
"Quod est Franciscanorum regula?" (What is the rule of the Franciscans?)
And the echo replied:
"Gula, gula, gula." (Gluttony, gluttony, gluttony)
In a heartbeat the Franciscan shouted out:
"Fuitne Judas Jesuita?" (Was Judas a Jesuit?)
And the echo replied:
"Ita, ita, ita." (Yes, yes, yes.)
But this is the Franciscan joke you tell to a Jesuit. A Jesuit and a Franciscan were involved in a car accident. Hurriedly they got out to make sure the other person was OK, each insisting that it was probably his own fault.
Then the Jesuit, very concerned for his fellow religious, said, "You look very badly shaken up. You could probably use a stiff drink." At that he produced a flask, and the Franciscan, who was indeed a bit shaken up, took it gratefully.
"One more and I'm sure you'll be feeling fine," the Jesuit said, and the Franciscan took another. Then the Jesuit took the flask and put it safely away.
"You look a bit shaken up yourself," the Franciscan said. "Are you sure you don't want to take a bit?"
The Jesuit replied, "Oh, I certainly will; but I think I'll wait until after the police arrive."