Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Jesuit Jokes

I've posted some of these before, but Jesuit jokes never grow old.

(1) One day a priest was visiting one of his parishioners, and, asking about her teenage son, discovered that she was worried about what career he would choose. The priest said he could tell by a simple test. He put on the coffee table a Bible, a wallet, and a bottle of scotch.

"If he chooses the Bible," the priest told her, "that's a sign he's destined for the priesthood. If he chooses the wallet, he's called to be a banker. And if he chooses the bottle of scotch, he's bound to become a bum."

The teenager came in and the priest told him he could have any object on the table. The boy picked up all three.

"Oh no!" the priest shouted. "He's going to be a Jesuit!"

(2) The Franciscans, the Dominicans, and the Jesuits were having a meeting when suddenly all the lights went out. Without a moment's hesitation, the Franciscans all took out their guitars and began to sing. In the next moment, the Dominicans all stood up and began to preach. In the next moment, the Jesuits all sighed, then went to the basement and replaced the fuse.

(3) A Dominican and a Jesuit were arguing about whether the Dominicans or the Jesuits were more favored by God. Finally, they decided that the only one who could settle the matter was God. So they prayed, the heavens opened up, and a piece of paper came fluttering down. When they picked it up, this is what it said,

My children,

Please stop quarreling about such absurd and trivial matters.

God, O.P.

(4) A Jesuit and a Franciscan were eating a meal together, and after dinner, they treated themselves to leftover pie. Alas, there were only two pieces left, one much larger than the other. Without any hesitation, the Jesuit reached over and took the larger piece.

"St. Francis always taught us to take the lesser piece," the Franciscan said reproachfully.

"And so you have it," the Jesuit replied.

(5) A Franciscan and Jesuit were walking in a forest, and the Jesuit noticed that there was an echo. Thinking to play a prank on his companion, the Jesuit shouted out in Latin:

"Quod est Franciscanorum regula?" (What is the rule of the Franciscans?)

And the echo replied:

"Gula, gula, gula." (Gluttony, gluttony, gluttony)

In a heartbeat the Franciscan shouted out:

"Fuitne Judas Jesuita?" (Was Judas a Jesuit?)

And the echo replied:

"Ita, ita, ita." (Yes, yes, yes.)

(6) A Jesuit, a Franciscan, and a Dominican were playing golf, and got stuck behind a group of golfers who played extraordinarily slowly. A bit frustrated, they went up to the group in front asked why the group was moving so slowly.

"We are part of a program for golfers with visual impairments; they pair off with sighted golfers who help them line up the shot and keep track of where the ball is," said the leader of the group.

The Franciscan was touched to the heart by this, apologized for any rudeness, and declared that he would join up with the program at the next opportunity. The Dominican also apologized, and said that he would mention the program when next he preached.

The Jesuit also apologized, but took the leader aside and said, "You should keep up the excellent work. But don't you think it would make more sense for them to play at night?"

(7) At a conference discussing various religious orders and societies, the Jesuit representative was asked how Jesuits managed to maintain their vow of obedience.

"It's easier than you would think," the Jesuit replied. "Our superiors just ask us what we want to do and then direct us to do it, so that takes care of most of the problems."

Then someone asked about people who don't know what to do.

"Even easier," the Jesuit said. "We make them superiors."

(8) A miser had three sons, one of whom became a Dominican, one of whom became a Franciscan, and one of whom became a Jesuit. On his deathbed he called them in and told them that he wanted each of them to place a thousand dollars in his casket to be buried with him.

At the service, the three went up and the Dominican said, "This is a waste of money, Dad, but since you are my father and I owe you your last wishes, I've gotten permission from my Order to fulfill them." And he place a thousand dollars in hundred-dollar bills in the casket.

The Franciscan said, "Dad, it eats me up inside, but there is so much good that could be done with that thousand for people who need it more that I just can't do it: I will not waste it on something so frivolous."

The Jesuit behind him clapped him on the back. "Don't worry, brother, I have you covered." Then he took the Dominican's thousand out of the casket, pocketed it, and replaced it with a check for three thousand dollars.

(9) A man walked up to a Franciscan and a Jesuit and asked, "How many novenas would I have to do in order to get a Maserati?"

The Franciscan asked, "What's a Maserati?"

The Jesuit asked, "What's a novena?"

(10) And my very favorite Jesuit joke. A Jesuit and a Franciscan were involved in a car accident. Hurriedly they got out to make sure the other person was OK, each insisting that it was probably his own fault.

Then the Jesuit, very concerned for his fellow religious, said, "You look very badly shaken up. You could probably use a stiff drink." At that he produced a flask, and the Franciscan, who was indeed a bit shaken up, took it gratefully.

"One more and I'm sure you'll be feeling fine," the Jesuit said, and the Franciscan took another. Then the Jesuit took the flask and put it safely away.

"You look a bit shaken up yourself," the Franciscan said. "Are you sure you don't want to take a bit?"

The Jesuit replied, "Oh, I certainly will; but I think I'll wait until after the police arrive."


  1. Arsen Darnay10:33 AM

    Delightful. Having been through a Jesuit education, I hoped to find (and if absent to add) my two favorites in Latin! But they were there, of course, to my great pleasure!

  2. D.V. Andrews12:32 PM

    You missed my all time favorite SJ joke:

    What are the only things that don't get changed when a Jesuit says Mass?

    The bread and the wine.

  3. Indignant Catholic12:52 PM

    <span>The 5 impossible things to find in the Catholic Church today:</span>
    1- an obedient jesuit2- a poor franciscan3- an intelligent dominican4- a mystical carmelite5- a humble benedictine

  4. Number 10 is my favourite.


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